Surviving Horror Films Is A Breeze If You Follow These Rules

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Posted on May 3, 2017

Do you like the horror? Sure you do, unless you’re one of those “No I don’t” types. In that case, I’m not sure I fully trust you. You need fictional horror to help your mind cope with real-life horror, I say. Keeps things in perspective. Is the world going to shit in a shitbasket full of shitty shitlets? Yeah, but at least no alien pupae are metastasizing in your scrotal sack before trying to turn you into a skin suit. But what if they were? You need to know how to navigate a horror movie. I recently caught my friend James Cullen Bressack’s new movie Bethany, which you should totally watch for the cereal eating scene alone, but feel free to check out the trailer and try not to cringe at the fingernail part.

Watch Your Step

According to the CDC, the leading cause of twisted and broken ankles is horror movie wind sprints. You’re probably going to panic a little when the dude with the chainsaw and your best friend’s head in his jeggings is running through the woods after you. We’re not judging you for that. But that’s no reason for reckless stupidity. Now more than ever, you need to have a care for the state of your dew-beaters and run with some caution. Watch for stray branches, errant rib-cages and slippery forest turds. They’re all going to inevitably be in your way and you need to juke around that shit if you want to live because I’ll tell you right now, not a damn person ever crawled their way to safety with a serial killer on their six. Keep a frosty head on your shoulders and pitter patter, ’cause you’ve got a life to save.

When Things Move On Their Own, Leave

Oh hey, look at the dining room chair just gliding across the floor! Isn’t that a trip to the carnival? Fuck no. It’s time to move. This was the most egregiously perplexing part of the movie Poltergeist, when the reckless mom sees shit moving around the kitchen and she opts to pop a helmet on her kid and let her skid across the linoleum under ghost power. The fuck is your damage, lady?

No ghost ever starts by showing all his cards. They’re a crafty lot, and they’d much rather play around with you for a bit before they start their phantasmagorical squash match. It starts with a closed door and a creeper in the mirror and your stupid kid skidding across the kitchen floor like a dog with an itchy asshole. This is the ghost saying “Fuck it, I’ll give you one free shot to not die here.” Take that shot! It’s a gift! The ghost doesn’t care, as it’s literally got all eternity to make something happen. You have the better part of a week in which to live. You don’t want to double down on that kind of stupidity, so just pack an overnight bag, grab some road snacks, and leave. Forever.

Don’t Play With Sinister Knick Knacks

Christ almighty, what is your deal? The Lament Configuration in Hellraiser? The Dybbuk Box in The Possession? Every underworld tchotchke in The Cabin in the Woods? None of that shit is yours, why are you playing with it? Keep your hands off the devil’s baubles, they’re guaranteed to be just saturated in Stygian semen and sneeze residue.

I’m as curious as the next George. I like playing with toys and boobs and whatnot but there’s a time and a place for everything and it’s been my observation that every evil curio in a movie tends to be presented to us in a less than Disney-fied ambience. So if you discover a bloody box in a bloody corner of a bloody cellar, it doesn’t matter if Willy Wonka’s golden ticket is inside, you really don’t need to open it because come on.

This is another situation where evil is kind of winking at you to see if you’re paying attention. Evil never takes up residence in an awesome pair of sunglasses or a Nintendo Switch. It’s stuck in Annabelle, a goddamn doll that looks like the doll-maker constructed it in the ass of a dead bear.

Invest In Proper Flashlights

I don’t use flashlights a lot, my home has electricity. But when I do use a flashlight, it’s never flickered twice exactly at the moment I needed it then died because I don’t buy Dick-Brand electronics. This is why batteries from the Dollar Store are bullshit. You’re going to want to do yourself a favor and either use the light on your phone like a normal person does in 2017 or, if you’re afraid your phone’s about to die like it does in all horror movies that refuse to acknowledge the existence of power banks and portable chargers, then you get yourself one of those flashlights that you can wind up. That shit’s ingenious. Let’s see you kill thosebatteries, malevolent shit spirit.

Ignore Weird Sounds Or Investigate With Backup

You and the boys are relaxing, watching the game, and wouldn’t you know it, some spare parts son of a bitch starts rattling a chain in the root cellar. Well hold on there, Johnny Investigator, there’s no reason to leave the party alone and look into the situation based on the premise that “It’s probably just the wind.” First of all, you live indoors, there’s no goddamn wind. And if there’s a sound of significant enough stature to require an investigation, you’re going to want to pause a moment and take stock of the situation. That noise could very well be some meth-fueled ax-clown eager to buttfuck your corpse. Don’t fall for his guile.

Get Zen

This is going to be a challenge for even the best of us, but probably the most important thing you need to possess in order to survive any and all horror situations is a calm demeanor. Especially if your horror manifestation involves creepy hellscapes like Hellraiser or you start seeing crazy, awful shit like in The Ring and Bethany, all up in your grill with their drippy tentacles and testicles.

When you can’t be sure if the things you see are real or not real, you need to go inward. Get full on Cartesian. “I think therefore I am” is all you need to see you through the night. You know you’re you, assume everything else is a load of paranormal horse puckey. The moment you question everything is the moment nothing has the edge on you. Is this creepy ghost in the shower real or in my imagination? Well who the fuck cares now? It’s going to jump scare you and probably disappear. Don’t fall for the shock and awe.